Have you ever had a test you bombed so badly you skipped your next class to cry in the bathroom? Do you ever want time by yourself to unwind so you’re relieved from the crippling depression that being in a building with hundreds of students induces? What about just wanting to scream after class? (We’re looking at you, AP Stats students.)

If you said yes to any of these, then the newest addition to the Beaver Area High School building may be for you!

This summer, construction will begin on a “Student Decompression Lounge” (better known as a quiet room or cry room) for students who have had enough of the school’s stresses.

The school plans on expanding and converting the unused photography dark room in the 300s hall (next to the elevator) thereby making the Decompression Lounge nearly 15 by 11 feet.

The room will have soundproof walls in the comfortable but not-too-large space. With no windows (to minimize sound) or locks on the door, the room may sound threatening; however, it’s anything but! It contains all the comforts a burnt-out student needs like a couch, warm-toned lighting, and a flat-screen TV playing a recording of a crackling fireplace on a 24-hour loop.

And best of all, the space will feature a therapy animal . . . well . . . a therapy goldfish (to accommodate allergy sufferers)! Who could say no to that?

With this much needed addition to the school, there are some rules that must be in place:

1. Only one student may be in the Decompression Lounge at a time (unlike the large stall in the girls’ bathroom—what is that all about, anyway?).

1. You may only use the room during a study hall, or with permission from a teacher, or if Mr. Maracek

is talking about Trotsky.

1. No middle schoolers allowed. (Sorry, we don’t want to open the door to a cotton-candy scented juul cloud.)

1. Don’t touch the goldfish. He doesn’t like it—or she; we don’t judge.

1. No trying to smuggle the goldfish out of the room.

1. There are small empty bottles left in the room for collecting tears (known as lachrymatories—thanks, Latin). If you fill one, you can exchange it for up to five bonus points in select classes (to offset the test you just failed) pending teacher approval.

To ensure no students are using the room to skip class, surveillance cameras will be installed (but just between us, I don’t think anybody will be monitoring them too closely).

A male student who requested to remain anonymous (in order to preserve his fragile masculinity) was over the moon about the new room, commenting with satisfaction: “I’m very excited because I’ve cried after at least seven tests this year, and therefore I feel as if this cry room could benefit many students and myself.”

Now, get hyped (and stressed) and prepare to cry in comfort.

And one last thing . . . April fools!!!