My peers, seniors Elizabeth Micheal and Alijah Smith, have been at each other's necks for the past two weeks mulling over fact and fiction regarding the beloved Groundhog Day. Though I support their friendly fire, I must talk about something I believe overrides their opinions: Groundhogs are a danger to society.
"Now Trent, how could you say that? Groundhogs are all sweet and cuddly!"
That is where you are wrong, Lizzy. Groundhogs are violent, rabid creatures, who, if they had enough power, would gladly take over the world.
Let's dive into some cold, hard facts about the groundhog.
According to psychologist David P. Barash in a research paper done for Stanford University, groundhogs "play-fight" for a sustained amount of time. They don't play fight often because of low social tolerance, which clearly shows that the groundhog is only non-violent because it is shy. Are you telling me that forcing a groundhog to get out of its shell and become friendly won't cause total collapse at the hands of the gluttonous creature?
"Why call them gluttonous?" I'm so glad you asked. According to the University of Michigan's School of Zoology, groundhogs will eat baby birds and eggs. Also, have you seen that one internet video where a homeowner put up a camera in his garden only for a groundhog to eat all of his crops in front of the camera? Are we just letting this greedy rodent eat anything it wants? Of course we are! We are not physically ready to fight back!
Now let's talk about the relationship the groundhog has with humans. Doug Schwartz, a zookeeper and groundhog trainer at the Staten Island Zoo, has said that "they are known for their aggression, so you're starting from a hard place. His natural impulse is to kill em' all and let God sort em' out. You have to work to produce the sweet and cuddly."
You heard it here first: The natural impulse of a groundhog is to kill.
As I've begun writing this, I have began to feel like I'm being hunted. I believe someone has tipped off the groundhogs, and I don't know how much time I have before they get to me.
Lastly, I must I ask you, citizen, do you value your family? Your property? Your life? If so, fight the good fight with me in the rise up against groundhogs.
Viva la revolución!