Even in a year when the only way to consistently contact your teachers other than email is to throw pebbles at their window until they come outside to yell at you, some people still don’t know how to appropriately compose an email . . . such as senior and resident doofus David Newman.
"I’m a big doofus. I don’t know how to use email, and I need help," Newman admitted.
That’s why I, in an official sponsorship with America Online and Hotmail, have been tasked with educating the unenlightened masses of Beaver Area High School with the steps necessary to draft a perfect email. Follow these three steps and you can do no wrong.
1.) Why are you writing an email?
If you don’t know why you’re sending an email to someone, don’t sweat it! Your best ideas will come to you when you’re not even thinking about them, so just start typing about whatever comes to mind. By the time I’ve written a few pages worth of my thoughts on how much I dislike donuts (there’s just too much dough!) I’ve figured out that my email will be about asking Mr. Hanlon for an extension on my 31 late physics assignments.
2.) Don’t be afraid to give it some character.
Much like a Wendy’s chicken sandwich, I often find that emails I receive lack flavor. Most emails I receive are often succinct and get straight to the point, which is not what an email should be. I want to know that a person wrote this email instead of the robots that keep pestering me about “women in my area.” I already told you, I’m not interested.
To achieve this much-needed spice, I ditch punctuation in favor of emoji. I am particularly fond of 🤟. This unnaturally yellow hand proclaims to my recipient that I am a chill, laidback rocker dude who will poke them twice in the eyes if I do not receive what I requested on time.
3.) Make sure to sign off!
An email ain’t an email if you don’t sign off! Before signing your name, make sure to preface it with something that reflects the tone of your email. When emailing a teacher, I always opt for a quick, “I love you.” This sets the recipient at ease and guarantees a timely response.
After reading this guide, our resident doofus can’t really be considered a doofus anymore
"My life has been completely transformed for the better," Newman said.
So with that, the only thing left to do is sign off . . .
I love you,
Max Furman
P.S., And don’t forget to put something—anything—in the email’s subject line (e.g., favorite color, lucky numbers, Chinese proverb, etc.). No one wants an email labeled: “Re: _ .” We’re not mind readers. Well, I am, but most people aren’t.